Mental health; something that has long been a taboo of society.
I myself don’t watch a lot of television or get hooked on popular shows.
13 Reasons stuck out to me, and it wasn’t the drama of the show that had me hooked. It was the overall roller coaster of depression, anxiety and every day bulling that I related so strongly to.
13 Reasons inspired me to really open up about my depression and tell a bit more detail to those who have struggled, or currently struggling with their mental health. To make those aware that you can get help, and there is light on the other side of darkness.
lets face it. Those who have not dealt with serious depression or anxiety (let alone both at the same time) 9 times out of 10 will not understand or be able to wrap their head around what exactly this would entail for a person. For a person to describe depression is one thing. But a lot of those don’t understand the immense depth of darkness it really produces for one person. Its not just “sadness” its losing complete faith in life itself, its losing the belief that you belong and you are not a burden.
As you all know me, perhaps personally, or through my blog, I am pretty transparent when it comes to what I have dealt with over the course of my short 26 years; and this I am fully okay with. I wouldn’t be typing this out if I wasn’t, right?
Moving forward, I have dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my life. For the majority of it I was able to use non-medicating tactics to control and calm my mental state. I was never one to hop towards medication to fix or subside my problems. Like many people out there the word medication and or addiction to medication can be a very scary and very real possibility.
Now I’ve always been the optimistic, bubbly and happy personality, so I guess you can some what consider me a closet person when it comes to depression and anxiety. Yes this is a bit ironic since I just said I am transparent when it comes to this as well. Let me break it down for you; I’m extremely talented at hiding these things from people (if I do say so myself). So when I do tell someone that I deal with a serious case of both I usually get the stunned look followed by “you!?”. I know that I am 100% not alone on this front. This is what most of us would call “coping mechanisms” which truly it is. This doesn’t take away from the fact that I deal with this on a daily basis, or that I deny having them.
How far can this type of coping mechanism take me? Well, to be quite blunt, it’s practically what has gotten me through most of my years. I recognize my mental state and I counteract it with putting a smile on my face, and trying my hardest to see the good in everything. Optimism can only carry you so far.
2016; I hit my limit. Along with some very toxic circumstances, friendships, relationships, and a lot of what life was throwing my way on top of that, I felt I couldn’t cope with the pressure of everything. I felt overwhelmed, nauseated, extreme sadness, and considering the unthinkable at the hands of myself.
There wasn’t a day I wasn’t curled up by myself crying. Begging myself to just let go to take the pain away, to release everyone around me of my burden that I thought was forcing upon them. I hated asking for help. I hated myself. I hated the fact that I had no control over what had happened to me. I questioned myself relentlessly, I didn’t trust my thoughts, opinions, and judgment of anyone or anything. I was scared to allow myself to feel anything other than immense sadness. I was scared to be alone with myself. Its all I had known for so long. I felt I didn’t deserve happiness, or to heal. I should have been hospitalized, I knew I needed help; I finally asked for it.
My doctor suggested an anti-depressant. I was extremely nervous to start this medication, any medication for that matter. In that past year I had become a hypochondriac in the sense of having a chronic fear of having an allergic reaction to ANYTHING. Especially medication. I also have a petrifying fear of having a major anxiety attack, and or heart attack due to the same hypochondria thoughts I was believed into thinking consistently. A type of OCD that I’m still working restlessly with to conquer, and I’m okay with that!
The point of all of this is to show everyone out there struggling that you’re not alone. You don’t need to fight a silent battle with yourself, or your mental health. Even when things seem like they will never get better or turn around, they indeed will, and the first person to make that choice to heal is you. You can have all the support in the world but it still needs to be a conscious decision you make on your own. To move forward with an obligation to yourself to push forth.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Talk to your friends, your family, your doctor.
Do your research, take the time to really evaluate your depression and the best ways to conquer it.
“If you’re going through Hell, keep going.” ~Winston Churchill
Happy Friday to all my fit babes